It’s our first-year anniversary — our birthday. This show turned 1.
Yes, it even outlasted Kamala’s staff. One-year-old. Just a baby.
But what an amazing baby we are — the type of baby who skipped the crawling phase. Hell, we ran out of the womb and we never looked back. And we’re certainly better than a real baby.
Those things suck, literally. It’s a thumb, not your mom’s breast, you dope. Learn the difference, baby. Grow up already. And they never get cuter, like an adult alcoholic.
Only uglier and uglier until puberty, when you can’t even look at them at least until they’re over 18, according to my probation officer.
But what does he know? He’s 12. But this show is different. We just get more adorable. Or, in my case, hotter.
You see, as the months go on, I just get more and more gorgeous. I’m like a male version of Caitlyn Jenner. Could this explain why the show is so successful, that I defy aging and put other gross male talk show hosts to shame?
Well, let’s look at this other graph created by the National Association of Facial Symmetry, or NAFS. Yes, my face is more symmetrical and therefore much more attractive.
It’s not even close, but there are other reasons I’m great, and we’ll get to that in our upcoming special.
NARRATOR: GREG GUTFELD IS GREAT: Hosted by Brian Kilmeade with special appearances by Gallagher, Wayland and Madame, and Joel Osteen.
Joel and I go way back.
In just a few short months, we steamed past the competition, handily beating those hyped-up late night shows without even breaking a sweat.
Hell, I’m the Lia Thomas of late night, but with a better a–.
We were told it would take years, but it took mere months. Kimmel, Fallon, “The Daily Show,” Seth What’s-Her-Face. Like my pants during Mardi Gras, I’m not sure how they’re still on.
We even beat Colbert, which wasn’t hard, given how depressing, depressing his show has become.
So little known fact: “The Colbert Show” was on in Epstein’s cell.
We also crushed our news rivals, too. We forced Brian Williams to retire. We were so brutal, CNN simply crumbled. Chris Cuomo, Jeff Zucker — one could say they’d still be there if we weren’t here, and that one would be Jesus Christ.
In just one year we’ve accomplished so much, but so many in the media had to hate it.
At the start, they trashed the show. They said we’d be underwater like a Kennedy date until they saw the ratings. Then the haters hid. Where did these critics go?
Well just follow the scent of fruitless m———–. That’s Calvin Klein’s latest fragrance.
But at least one cable network is covering us.
NARRATOR: Tonight on the Chess News Network, David Rooks with the Chess News Network covering America’s national nightmare: day 365 of the “Gutfeld!” show.
DAVID ROOKS: Now, as you can see, the streets are thick with protesters. Here’s one now — miss, miss. You don’t know anyone who watches the “Gutfeld!” show, do you?
WOMAN: Actually, I do — number one!
ROOKS: Well, you’re you’re just one person.
WOMAN: No, I don’t think you understand. My dad watches it with my brother and my grandma.
ROOKS: Get out of here! Well, congratulations on your stupid show. Back to you, Gus.
You know, a lot of people would say, “Greg, you should take credit for this yourself. You really did it all. You’re amazing and I love you.” Well, thank you, a lot of people.
But it’s unfair. Other people were here to help put this show together like Kat. Where would we be without her? We’d probably be fine.
She’s like a toothpick: skinny, sharp and easily fits into dark, disgusting places. She’s the girl of your dreams if you want a blond Freddy Krueger. She’s like last week’s Christmas tree: out in the street after covering your floor with needles.
She always has the last laugh because anyone who hears it immediately wants to die. She thought A.A. was BYOB. She is like an alarm clock: will not stop making noise until you pay attention to her.
Everyone at the bar yells, “Cheers!” when she finally leaves.
Also, there’s Tom Shillue. He’s been here since the beginning, like Adam, Eve and Nancy Pelosi. He does a better Joe Biden than Joe Biden.
FAUX BIDEN: Come on, man. I don’t need any notes. And you can take that to the bank. You are lying, dog face. Take it easy. Take it easy. … Let’s go, Brandon. You know, when a problem comes along, you must whip it before the cream sits out too long. You must whip it, and something’s going wrong. You must whip it — doo, doo, doo, doo. Whip it good. And I am ready to go. I am ready to dance, man.
And what can you say about our angry black male?
TYRUS: What it is, Gutfeld? Well, here we are. It’s been a year. How are we doing? When we started, they treated us like we stole something — hated us, we’d never work, we’re not talented enough. Well, they were kind of right. We did steal something: We stole the number one spot.
We have a spot on 25 million — 25 million — and we still put hands on you. And now we run this stuff. So special shout-out to Kat Timpf, Tom, the whole team. Jean, everybody who makes it work, both Gabrielles, the Gabbys, whatever they’re comfortable with, it was a team effort and we’re kicking a– and taking names. So Gutfeld, I guess you are the luckiest leprechaun of all time.
And no surprise, Fox has been grateful: our ratings translate into dollars, and we’re making the top brass very rich as we become addicted to pills. Here are some workplace well-wishers. You can feel the love.
NARRATOR: Dana, are you excited about the one-year anniversary of the “Gutfeld!” show?
DANA PERINO: It’s only been one year? It’s like dog years — it feels like seven.
NARRATOR: Hey, Jesse, it’s the one-year anniversary of “Gutfeld!” Anything you want to say?
JESSE WATTERS: I’m sorry. I’ve got to get to a meeting.
NARRATOR: Susan Li, anything to say for Greg’s anniversary?
SUSAN LI: Yeah, he owes me money.
MARTHA MACCALLUM: Greg? Who’s Greg?
NARRATOR: Bill Hemmer, anything to say about the one-year anniversary?
BILL HEMMER: Who’s this for?
NARRATOR: Greg Gutfeld.
HEMMER: Gutfeld. I’ll pass.
Well, anyway, the show became the talk of the industry like my random explosive diarrhea — people either loved it or hated it, but they couldn’t stop talking about it.
BILL MAHER: There is a new king of late night, and his name is Greg Gutfeld. Fox News found a good thing. They can make fun of liberals, and they are doing it to great success.
So true, but even better when he had Quentin Tarantino on and they both got high and then they tried to analyze this show.
QUENTIN TARANTINO: I’ve heard you talk about on your show, the “Gutfeld!” show, but talk to me more in detail. What do you think about him per say?
MAHER: I mean, we did a bit on that. I don’t remember talking about it because honestly, I don’t know it.
TARANTINO: Have you watched a couple episodes of the show?
TARANTINO: But what? You haven’t watched even two, not two seconds?
MAHER: No, that’s why we didn’t do a bit on an issue on it. Greg Gutfeld is working now. There’s something to work from. But the Left is goofy in a lot of ways, so there is material now for someone like Greg Gutfeld to work with. Maybe he’s doing it and I’m missing it, but I’m going by what they say in my writer-producer meeting.
TARANTINO: It does have a feeling of the “Wally George Show.” Alright, but that’s actually insincere because there is … I don’t want to talk about his show for that much on this show.
MAHER: Oh, I don’t care. I’m much more concerned that we’re out of pot.
Oh, that was amazing. I wish Tarantino had completed his thought, but it’s kind of nice to see them chatting about this show. It means we punctured their bubble, and we’re not done.
We should also thank our producers who make me look better than I really am, if that’s indeed possible.
But the biggest thanks go to you, dear viewer. You checked us out, and like a serial killer dismembering a victim, you liked what you saw. You stuck by us. You spread the word, and now we’re the most successful late-night show in the history of all television.
That’s probably not true, but are you going to fact-check it, really? Yeah, right after you clean behind your refrigerator?
But that’s the beauty of TV and the beauty of me. Thank you, America.
On to another year of us.
This article is adapted from Greg Gutfeld’s opening commentary on the April 5, 2022, edition of “Gutfeld!”